It has been a while since I was first diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Since my diagnosis I have graduated from University (with a second degree), started a great job working for a great company, travelled to some great places both inside and outside of this great country, married the greatest girl in the world, and had countless other fantastic days along the way. I am always thankful for the time I have and the people I have in my life and continue to be in their debt nearly every single day. You know who you are. Nonetheless there have been tough times along the way. "Tough" might be an understatement, but I'm somewhat known for playing down the bad times and talking up the good.
I find myself at a point in my life where it is harder than ever to look ahead. As much as I've always had the attitude that "things will work out", to believe such blindly and naïvely is neither wise nor healthy. I have to be more on top of things than ever before. No longer being on my chemotherapy treatment means I'm essentially "on my own" fighting something that has a 100% chance of growing back. It is a question of when more than a question of if. That is not to say I have given up in any way mind you. First of all there are the "1-in-a-million scenarios". These are the scenarios that say that just because no one else with my type of tumour has ever had it "go away" before, does not mean that cannot happen one day, and that I will not be the first person that this happens to. It could happen in a number of ways:
Scenario A) I am beamed aboard a spaceship that turns out to be the equivalent of a medical ship and the little green men (and women... let's not be sexist here) cure me of all that ails me.
Scenario B) I drink some odd combination of pop rocks, Dr. Pepper, Maple Syrup, Stem Cells, and HGH (Human Growth Hormone) that overloads my tumour causing it to explode somehow causing no damage to the surrounding brain tissue.
Scenario C) This has all been one crazy bad dream and I wake up from it tomorrow saying "Man, you wouldn't believe the dream I had last night!"
The above three scenarios, while possible, seem unlikely at the current moment in time. What I actually hope will happen is:
Scenario SAS*) I continue to keep my positive optimistic attitude towards life, continue to eat as healthy as I can (meaning no "scenario B" ingredients), and live long enough that some previously undiscovered treatment (if not cure) comes along that radically prolongs the life of GBM patients. If no cure comes along in that time, then just a series of medical developments that continue to improve the outcomes for GBM patients would be fine, ultimately culminating in a cure some decades from now around the time Hover Cars finally come to fruition.
(*Super Awesome Scenario)
I've said it many times many ways: Merry Christmas. No wait... that wasn't it. Though I've said it before it bears repeating, the fact I could die tomorrow doesn't make me theoretically different from anyone else... until you factor in the percentage odds. I rank up there with fairly obese individuals suffering from congestive heart failure. Most people simply face the potential of unobservant bus drivers or falling space debris (which it should be noted... I do too)!
What I would like to discuss however, is how a potentially limited life expectancy can play on your mind and affect how you "plan" for the future. At work I have a binder I keep that essentially outlines how to do many of the tasks I currently do at work. I try to keep myself as replaceable as possible, not wanting to leave my employer in a spot that would leave them hanging should I not be here tomorrow. Most people probably don't think this way. I recall after my Dad passed away how hard it was for my Mom to move on, and how his incredibly disorganized "office" (which was really an old kitchen table in the basement with plywood sheets between milk crates for shelves) made it 10 times harder for her to move on given that it was a several month long process just to sort through the stacks and stacks of paper that, while meaningful to him, meant nothing to any other individual on Earth. Why did he keep that page 7 article from March 28th's Winnipeg Free Press? I have no idea and never will. That example was totally made up by the way. It was true however that he had a box marked "Tom's Mail" that contained over a year's worth of unopened mail addressed to me. Turns out the bank HAD been sending me statements all along!!! But I digress... Having been through that with my Dad and remembering that my siblings and I had to take it upon ourselves to go through much of the "junk" to save my Mom from having to do so was a tough thing to have to do. As such I have tried to keep my office relatively clean (ok, I did say "relatively" didn't I?)... seriously - STOP LAUGHING! Anyways, I have tried to keep a clean and paperless office (hence the several hundred dollar duplex scanner purchase I may have made without my wife's knowledge/approval (good thing she loves me!). I have to live my life hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
Continuing on this theme the question must be raised "How do I plan to raise a family?" followed by "Can I even plan to raise a family? Would it even be moral?" I don't have the answers to these questions and struggle with them on a daily basis. I see friends beginning to raise families of their own. While it is great and so rewarding to see this happen and be so blessed as to be able to be a part of their families as they grow together, there is always a pain in my heart knowing I am not in a position to enjoy what I can see them enjoying right now. There are many factors that go into a decision of this magnitude. Assuming Nicole and I could have a child at this point in our lives (ignoring my medical treatments, her schooling, and our financial situation) could I justify putting her in a position where she might become a single mother (if I were to even live to see the birth of my own child)? I've already out-lived my life expectancy, so how long would my child live until they were without a father? Is it right to bring a child into the world, knowing you might not be there to teach them right from wrong? To protect them from things in the world that might harm them? To help my wife with what must surely be one of the most difficult challenges one can take upon themselves in their life?
Nicole and I have obviously discussed this. Playing the "what if" game, we've wondered what would happen if we did have a child, but I later had the tumour grow back and required a second surgery. What if that surgery left me with impairments such that I could not raise a child? What if those impairments were severe enough that I required Nicole to be my caregiver? Could she look after her newborn child and husband at the same time? What about the stress she might endure during pregnancy? As it is Nicole suffers more stress on a daily basis than I'm sure most people do in a month. Could she handle the stress of a first pregnancy PLUS the stress of her day-to-day life as it stands now?
Then we have to move on to the same realities every other potential parent/family must face. Can we afford to do this? We don't sleep on a pile of money each night, and while we've been fortunate to have had very generous support from our families, living just the two of us in an apartment is not the same as raising a newborn baby. I've heard they need to eat... DAILY!
Then there is the "can I have children?" question. Turns out I've received a lot of very toxic medication over the past 2+ years (not to mention a lifetime dose of radiation). While I've joked in the past that any baby I had would be green with three arms, medically I think the more likely scenario is that I simply wouldn't be able to have children.
Nicole has reminded me that it is likely too soon to even think about these things as she is still in school and I need to have been off chemo for at least 6 months before I can consider having a child. I'm sitting at 3 or so months off chemo, and Nicole still has a year plus of schooling to go, so perhaps I'll have time to revisit this in a future blog with the ability to live vicariously though our many close friends in the meantime. Being an "Aunty / Uncle" is pretty cool too. We love our non-biological nieces and nephews. A shout-out to Emma, Daniel, Yet-to-be-born (and thus named) Fetus, and of course Avery!
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