TGIF? Maybe?

Hello readers!

Some of you might have heard that this week has been a rough one. I had a seizure on Monday the 15th while waiting for the bus. I had a sense I had a seizure coming on, and for some reason thought I could possibly "will myself" into not having one. I remember thinking "Maybe if I walk up the sidewalk and get some fresh air I won't have one" which is a ridiculous thought looking back on things, but in my defense having a seizure implies my brain isn't quite firing on all cylinders (or perhaps is firing on too many at once). My point is that I don't think too clearly when I'm having a seizure. I also tend to lack any memory of my seizures and/or any period in the short time after it has occurred. In this case I remember deciding that I could not "walk off" my upcoming seizure so I should get back home (to my apartment across the street from where I was standing). I couldn't tell you if there were cars coming or not, as I can't remember crossing the street. What I can tell you is that I remember people standing over me (only be the fact I heard their voices) one of which asked me if I had someone they could contact. I gave them my wife Nicole's phone number, as she was still at home back at the apartment. The next thing I knew there was a fire truck and paramedics (firemen) helping me into their truck. They took my stats (blood glucose levels, blood pressure, oxygen saturation levels, and after determining that my oxygen levels were low, set me up on an oxygen line, and called Nicole after I gave them her number as well. Nicole had the pleasant surprise of waking up to our landlord banging on our front door and a call from a paramedic saying that they had found me lying down on the median between the north & southbound lanes of St. Anne's. I had chosen to wear a brand new pair of leather shoes that particular day, which were significantly damaged on the front of the shoe. We figure I must have tripped on the cement portion of the median (as I can't judge distance or depth well when I'm having a seizure... go figure) which caused me to trip & fall onto the grass and possibly into a tree on the median. This is based upon the paramedics assumption I had run into the tree as well as the fact I have a slightly bruised forehead and received a few scratches to my nose. My glasses were a bit dirty, as well as was the left side of my jacket and backpack. After any seizure I've experienced I feel completely drained of energy and extremely tired. In this case (seizure plus potential face-plant into a tree or the ground) left my body feeling quite out-of-sorts. I'm still a bit sore from it all.

But my lovely wife, as always, took care of me. She brought me back home, got me into bed, and I enjoyed some much needed rest. Her Dad swung by our place later that day to check on us, and brought some medicine for me in the form of an order of a Teen Burger and some Onion Rings. Thanks Steve!

I still feel run down from the whole thing, but I'm feeling better now. I have to say the whole ordeal shook my confidence as I had been feeling pretty good after having gone since July 27th since my last seizure. If I can go at least ONE CONSECUTIVE YEAR without having one I can find myself back in the driver seat of a car, instead of being dependent upon my wonderful wife to drive me wherever the Winnipeg Transit System tends not to service. Unfortunately this seizure shook even my confidence in taking the bus to work, something I had previously took pride in. Being in my situation leaves me feeling dependent upon others for a lot of things. Anyone who has been without a license for any extended period of time can appreciate just how much of an inconvenience it truly is. I can't just up and go out for food or go shopping on my own. I have to either take the bus (if / when the schedules & routes permit it), or get Nicole to drive me. Taking the bus to work each morning made me feel independent. It made me feel good not only take a burden off of Nicole's shoulders, but also give me my own time & space. I could (and often did) listen to my nerdy podcasts each morning. I could sit among the rest of society leaving for work or school living their normal lives. Since Monday I have not taken the bus. I haven't had the guts to get back on for fear that I could have another seizure and be on my own with no one around to help me. Nicole was right to point out that we were lucky I had my seizure when I was still so close to home. I know it worries her at the best of times to have me out there without her to watch over me and ensure nothing bad happens to me. She worries too much and takes on too much responsibility for my safety. I wish she didn't, but I can see why she does. I'm sure if I were in her shoes I'd be doing the same things and feeling the same way. I'd just like to be able to say "No worries love! Nothing bad is going to happen to me today!" And be able to say it with the sort of absolute (perhaps naive) confidence I once did.

We go for my MRI results tomorrow afternoon (hence the title of this blog entry). I'm hoping it will be a Friday worth saying TGIF! I just want good results and then the weekend to relax and unwind with my wife. It is the same thing each and every time we have my "Friday after" (MRI results) visits. We stress and worry all the way up to the appointment. We will try to sleep tonight (I'll probably succeed better than Nicole will at this). We will wake up in the morning, probably feeling like we haven't slept at all. We will head to the HSC, park the car in the underground, head on over to get my bloodwork done (a process I'm all too familiar with), then wait forever just to get the bloodwork done. Next we'll head over to "Clinic 2" at CancerCare. There we'll sign-in and wait forever to be called in. There I will be weighed in, and we'll be sent to a room to sit and wait (forever) for the doctor to come see us. We'll likely see a nurse first. Then my oncologist will come in and give us the results. We'll try to judge the look on his face, the movements he makes, and interpret them as any sort of indication long before he utters his first words. Then he'll speak and our lives will change. Either we'll be cast from our current world of unknowing into the wonderful (but often short-lived) world of temporary relief, or the other world... that of fear, unknowing, and panic.

Regardless we'll be there together, as we always have been, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm still the luckiest guy I know. If I could change having a terminal illness in the form of a cancerous brain tumour... I would. If doing so meant changing any part of my life outside of that, and losing any of the people I have closest to me in my life (my wife being at the top of that list) I would not change a thing. My life is seriously awesome. Tomorrow might not be seriously awesome, but it might just be. I think I kicked ass during that MRI last week, so I can't see how the results could be anything less than awesome. That and I have all of you thinking about me and sending me your best wishes, thoughts and prayers. I will post before the day is done at least a brief post describing my update. Thanks & Cheers!
--
Tom

PS: I'm too tired to check this one over for spelling and/or grammar. It's all yours Luke!