So it is February 13th, 2011 meaning it is Stuart's Birthday (an inside joke for those of you in my family) and/or the day before Valentine's Day. I had some free time (not really but I was tired of working on my Finance homework) so I figured I'd post another update.
ME LATELY: Things are still going wonderfully well! I'm finished the radiation and the chemo, which means I've also been cut back to only two kinds of meds (my anti-seizure meeds and my blood thinner injection). Speaking of which, I should have Nicole stab me in the stomach with a sharp pointy object before we both get too tired. BRB ("Be Right Back" for those of you who aren't hip like me)!
Sweet! I now have Dalteparin Sodium flowing through me! And a slight hole next to my belly button. THANKS NICOLE! So where was I? Right! Down to only a few meds which makes life a little easier for Nicole and I. The docs are also happy with my Dilantin levels meaning I DO NOT have to go for weekly blood tests anymore. All I gots coming up now is an MRI on the 8th of March @ 7:00 pm, which I'm looking forward to and Nicole is terrified for. Why? This will tell us how everything has gone in the last three months… maybe/sort of. They tell us that there's a chance the MRI will show the tumour as being worse than it was before, but that that might be a good thing. Sounds crazy (and Nicole understands it better than I as she is the "research girl") but I think it comes down to "things looking worse before they get better". Meaning the MRI could show things looking not so great, but in actual fact the treatments could have been doing their job splendidly. So a "bad" MRI isn't necessarily a sign that things aren't going well. Sort of like getting an "F" on a midterm but your prof telling you that there is a shot you might just pull out an A+ on the final. Of course there is always the chance you're just an idiot and will fail the final and the course, which if you the follow the metaphor is why Nicole is not looking forward to the results. Sometimes no news is better than bad news, though this is news we cannot avoid.
To get serious for a bit (me? serious? weird eh?) I wanted to discuss the impact this has had on Nicole and I. I'll be conceited and start with myself:
I have a tumour in my head. It is cancerous and sucks. I do not like it. Beyond that I am not tremendously affected by it. Ok, I take some pills every day, and have some bruises around my belly button from some needle injections, but really that's about it. Still no headaches, no nausea, no real fatigue to speak of, and now that treatments are done (for now) I assume my easy ride will continue. I even have some (small) hairs growing back in where the old ones fell out. The skin on my head is a bit dry and uncomfortable, but not noticeably so. I'm sure people would say "But aren't you horribly depressed/upset about your condition?" Answer: No. I know I should be, but I am not. I think I went through a phase of being torn between the acceptance of death on the one hand, and want to have a strong will to live on the other. I had a metaphor in my head of the person who "doesn't care if they get fired" [from their job]. Let's say Steve (my imaginary friend) who works as a pizza delivery boy no longer cares if he gets fired. He's probably not going to bother running those yellows, or smiling each time he delivers a fresh pizza pie. He'll probably coast until finally he pushes things to far and loses his job. I didn't want to be Steve. What I realized (after a while) is that my metaphor of Steve is not comparable to me and thoughts of death vs. life. I can accept "death" without giving up on "life". I'm like Steve who still delivers the pizzas in under 20 minutes, but is "ok" with the prospect of losing his job. The "ok" definitely deserves quotation marks, because in no way is it an easy thing to admit or deal with. I don't want to die. Ever. But who does? And I still 110% want to live (210% even… suck on that pro hockey players!) So I can enjoy every day knowing it might all come to an end for me soon, but that that knowledge won't prevent me from enjoying each of those from now until the [possible] then.
Nicole: I don't want to talk too openly about the details of Nicole's life as that is her story to tell. What I can say is that this is all tremendously difficult on her. Far more difficult for her than it is for me. She has been doing fantastically well at dealing with this all as of late (and I give her so much credit for that) but I know it still kills her inside each and every day. She is grieving my loss before I am even gone, which I wish she wouldn't, but I know neither one of us can stop. I don't blame her, and I assume I would do the same if I were in her position. The funny thing is that Nicole constantly apologizes to me. She says "Sorry" after each nightly injection (even though I couldn't do it on my own). She says "Sorry" after each time she cries. She says "Sorry" after telling me NOT to have that sugar laced desert even though she does it to keep me healthy/alive. I have to tell her each time NOT to be sorry, as I [think] I know [somewhat] what she is going through and that there is no need for her to apologize for anything. She also states that she does not know why people give her so much credit for helping me. I will tell her and all of you that she deserves more credit that she receives [if that is possible]. Returning to my life/death thoughts from above, I have an amazing will to live. I think I would have a will to live regardless of anything (because living is AWESOME! and way more fun than the alternative), but knowing how hard losing me would be on Nicole gives me 1,000,000 times more fight than I would otherwise have. Spending 5 or 10 years with Nicole would be a bajillion times better than only a few months or years with her. It is for that reason that she deserves all of the praise (on top of taking care of my meds and bringing me freshly cut fruit). I know everyone says things like this, but I know I'm right when I say that Nicole is my soul mate and the one person I am meant to be with. I could not (and would not want to) do this without her. I have promised her I will be here for her forever, and I intend to keep that promise.
To put it another (perhaps more blunt way) I have the easiest job of anyone. I just have to live my life and enjoy myself! The people around me (with Nicole at the top of the list) have to deal with a whole lot more. They have to deal with the prospect of losing me, and were it to happen, the aftermath of it all. I remember how hard it was when my Dad passed away over 5 years ago from a brain aneurism. One day he was here, and the next he was not. The result was everything changing. It meant losing the family home out in the country. It meant adjusting to "not having a Dad". I can't begin to imagine how hard it was for my Mom, nor how she deals with it to this day. I don't have to deal with that.
To brighten the mood a tad, things look to be on track for both Nicole & I's wedding social (March 18th details for which can be found here: http://www.tomnicolesweddingsocial.com/) and our actual wedding (details to be determined and invites yet to be printed or sent) on May 21st. I can't wait to enjoy these events with Nicole and all of you!
Also, I spent an evening with Nicole at her parents for a night of Rummoli with the extended O'Leary family. Thanks to all who were there, as it was a fantastic evening and one I enjoyed tremendously. It is nights like those which make me glad to be alive and still around to enjoy all of this. They are surely amongst the best times I've had in my life. Thank you everyone once again, and I'll be sure to keep you posted as usual.
--
Tom
PS: Happy (almost) Valentine's Day my lovely Fiancé! <3
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