The title of this blog entry should clue you in to the fact that this will most certainly NOT be a serious blog post. I have had my MRI this past Sunday, and now must wait a week to get my results. The serious blog entry can come then.
No, this blog entry is my thoughts as a man on the ol' #1. Now most male readers will find my writings to be "common knowledge" (lest I have some other medical / psychological issues I do not myself know about). For the females it will hopefully be an informative and eye-opening expose into what goes on in the men's washroom. Consider it my entry into the world of journalism, which I have no intention of entering. Why write about peeing? Well, "Why not?" comes to mind, but I suppose it is because in recent conversations I have found that members of the other sex find 'amazing' things I assumed were common knowledge to all. I feel it is my duty to let ye gals know what goes on behind the door with the little male outline on it.
First let us talk about the wonderful world of urinals. Yes we men have the ability to pee standing up! You probably knew this. I suppose you do too, but we can aim and thus urinals allow us the ability to do so without making a terrible and unpleasant mess. Urinals are a fantastic invention that probably goes back ages (I'm not an investigative journalist). Urinal etiquette is something that should be followed by all men at all times. There are two types of urinal set-ups: The divider and the non-divider. Obviously the former is preferable unless you are a really creepy individual. In a divider situation the rules are relaxed, however alternate urinal positioning is still preferred. In the dividerless set-up a strict alternate (or "every other") choice should be used. This reduces the number of urinals that can be used at once but maintains a comfort level for all involved. If walking into an empty washroom with only three urinals, a man must never choose the middle urinal for this leaves no available urinals open for use (forcing other men to choose a stall). Regardless of divider presence a man must also never choose a stall if urinals (with empty-adjacents) are available. This leaves the impression the man is not comfortable with urinal use and thus will be looked at (rightly) as less of a man.
At times men might find themselves in a situation where "Stagefright" (as my homeboy Kev from Steinbach recently put it to me) sets in. This is most common when in a dividerless urinal system side-by-side with another man (let us assume/hope the other man came in after you and violated the urinal code). As you might have guessed this condition is due to the fact that peeing requires total relaxation and comfort with one's washroom surroundings. A man nearly rubbing elbows with you is enough to induce "stagefright" leaving you unable to urinate. Diving into this situation a little further we then can ask "What can be done about this?" Obviously standing against a urinal with one's pants undone implies a sort of "time limit". After several minutes of a curious absence of sound will arouse suspicion from other washroom attendees (most of all that guy standing too close to you). They are obviously starting to realize you have "stagefright" and thus will (rightly) determine you are less of a man. I have often found "trash talking" the space violator in one's head is enough to overcome the "stagefright". In the event too much time has elapsed the only remaining option is to of course pretend you have in fact finished and proceed to the washing of the hands. Further complication lies in the fact you have not yet urinated and still very much need to do so. A favourite tactic of mine is the "ridiculously long hand wash" used in the hopes the other guy is a quick hand-washer or, given his ignorance of the urinal code might even be a non-hand-washer. If this is the case a return to the urinal is possible. HOWEVER: this is only possible if the washroom is now empty. If there is anyone else in the room they will notice and question your second trip to the wall porcelain. I realize this is starting to seem complicated, and believe me it is. It is a burden us men must carry with us each and every day.
To address a question I'm sure some of you females are asking "Why don't you just do like we do? Pick a stall and pee sitting down? (thus avoiding the noise a stand-up stall pee-er generates and the demasculinity that follows). Seriously? LOL. Ok, I'm still laughing out loud, but to explain: We are men. Aside from our nuts and a Y chromosome, peeing standing up is about all we've got to hold on to. Those guys you see leaving the gym with super bulked up muscles are probably just compensating for the fact that they pee sitting down. You must also consider the physics of the standard toilet. The good people of American Standard know that men don't pee sitting down and thus have created a perfectly oval shaped bowl. A guy sitting down atop such a toilet has certain bodily protrusions that risk coming into contact with the bowl. If there is any part of your body that, as a man, you do NOT want touching the inside of a toilet bowl you can imagine what it is. Now perhaps I just have a larger appendage than most but... [ladies?]*
*SORRY NICOLE! I COULD NOT RESIST!!!
Ok, that covers most of the issues with urinals. Let us say that a man walks into a standard small-town restaurant bathroom and darned if there is no urinal to be found. It is considered rude in our culture to simply pee on the wall in such cases and thus the bowl must be used. Many problems arise here as well. Obviously our
wives/girlfriends/sisters/mothers/female friends have trained us to raise the toilet seat before hand (and lower it post "freeing of our bladders"). Still we are looking at a two foot (approximate) distance from launch point to target. A lot can go wrong along the way. First one must stay focused on the task at hand. Did someone just knock at the door? Ignore it. Turning to see will only leave you an unfortunate mess to clean up. There is also the problem of partial blockage. Lint may be the culprit, but whatever it is we all know what happens when we put our thumbs over only half of the end of the garden hose... increased pressure and severely affected aim. This could be anywhere from a 10 to a 45 degree variance. The best defence is a quick correction of stance requiring cat-like reflexes. Even a new stance can leave the best of us vulnerable if the blockage suddenly becomes freed requiring a further reversal of stance.
To all of the young boys out there reading this post, I want you to know I was once where you might be now. Growing up in a world where no one taught you about washroom rules, urinal etiquette, or solutions to the problems most of us face on a weekly (if not daily) basis. I myself did not use a urinal until middle school (called "Juniour High" in my days) for my extreme anxiety about using them. I was made fun of by my peers and at times had wet paper towels thrown at me over the stall walls while chants "your a little girl" followed. Knowing sitting down was not an option I tried my best to use the "aim for the part of the bowl where there is no water" strategy. It worked with moderate success until I finally got up the courage to be a man and use the wall porcelain. Alas, I was a late bloomer. I did not start abusing alcohol until around the age of 21, which was also the time I first went to a bar. Perhaps related to this was that year also being the year I first kissed a girl and had a girlfriend. Now, at 27, I'm happily married and pee wherever the law will allow me to do so.
I await the telling of the female's perspective on the "behind the door with the human figure wearing a dress on it" at a future point. Until then I will assume it to be the gossip / makeup / partying / anything but using the washroom -fest I currently believe it to be.
...Oh, and I'm doing great medically and have had no issues in the past while. Life continues to rock only totally.
CHEERS!
--
Tom
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