Hello Blog readers!
Went to the Michael Jackson Cirque du Soleil show the other night with my lovely wife. WOW! Blew my mind. Simply awesome! And the show was good too ;)
But this is not a show review...
I wanted to create a quick post to give an example of the dynamics between a couple dealing with a serious issue (such as a primary malignant brain tumour). Let's say the husband's name is "Tom" and the wife's name is "Nicole" ("Nic" for short). This cute couple dated for 3+ years before deciding they were ready to start their lives together. The husband got prepared to ask his girlfriend to marry him and picked out a date to do so. Meanwhile the husband and wife began to look for a place to live together. Then "life" said "WHOA! Hold on just a minute there!" Life (aka: 'Glioblastoma Multiforme' in this case) is a tough thing to mess with. It decided Tom and Nicole should have a more difficult time than they would have hoped in starting their lives together. It changed their short and long term plans quite drastically. It changed a multi-year engagement into a "as fast as we can" engagement. But I've already told that story...
What I wanted to discuss was the day-to-day lives Tom and his wife now deal with. The relationship they share is a wonderful thing they both cherish and enjoy deeper than either could ever express in words. The problem is that dealing with day-to-day problems becomes exponentially harder when brain tumours are involved (see also: terminal illness in general). Tom has taken on an approach that he should distance himself from Nicole to protect her from the feeling of loss should he "die tomorrow". He did not want any petty argument to be the last interaction they had for her sake. What he did not realize was that, while his intentions were good, what he was in fact doing was making Nicole feel more sad at times. She thankfully explained to him that she would rather have those petty arguments and at the end of the day feel closer to the husband she loved so so very much. In addition, she pointed out that having even "petty arguments" might lead to the underlying issues causing such arguments being resolved, thus creating a better overall marriage with LESS conflict in the days to come. Plus she pointed out that her husband had already promised to live forever so all of this was a moot point.
I'm not sure why I chose to speak in the third person above, but it seemed appropriate at the time. Back to the first person I go! I have found that most of my instincts to protect Nicole have caused her more harm than good. I used to avoid telling her if I was feeling "off" (for example of I had a headache) because I did not want her to worry about me at that moment. What this instead did, was cause her to lose any trust or faith in me in knowing that if I was suffering in any way I was unlikely to tell her. This lead her to constantly watch me for any signs that I was experiencing pain of any sort. She would ask me if I was alright 20 times an hour, to the point where I began to get frustrated that I was being asked so many times. She was correct however, in pointing out that if I was feeling off I wouldn't say anything unless she asked (if even then). I soon learned (as discussed in earlier posts) to be open and honest fully with her, treating the illness as "our illness" instead of "my illness". In a sense pretending she had a disease for which she could not directly "feel" any symptoms but instead relied upon me to describe to her fully and in detail what "we" were experiencing. Doing so lead to a much closer sense of "us" and less conflict in our relationship (not that there was a whole lot to begin with).
I now realize (thanks to Nicole) that consciously or unconsciously keeping my wife at a distance (by avoiding eye contact, rarely initiating conversation with her, or involving her in my 'daily plans') is definitely the wrong way to handle things. My thinking of "well I might be gone soon, so she should get used to this" is robbing her of the days we DO have together (not to mention my plans to live much much longer than just a few weeks/months/years). I don't know why I thought doing this would be a good thing... I think it just sort of "happened". I'm writing this now for the sake of any other husband or wife in a similar situation to perhaps bring about a pause in thought to explore whether they/you are doing the same?
A last topic for today will be our differing points of view. I am the "unrealistic optimist" while Nicole is the "down to earth realist". This causes a lot of tension in our marriage as it applies to my medical situation as I have a "don't worry... things will work out!" attitude. Nicole does not often share this sentiment. She has good evidence behind her point of view (as proven with my once stated "don't worry, I'll never get cancer or any other serious disease"). Admittedly I was a little off on that one. Our attitudes lead us to take different actions on the matter at hand. Nicole doesn't rely on a "things will work out" belief and thus puts much of the responsibility for my health and our future on her own shoulders. She is researching "Glioblastoma" information, research trials, news releases, and such almost every waking hour of the day (this includes the many hours she "should" be sleeping). I don't bother with too much of that (if any) and live day-to-day relatively stress free. Nicole meanwhile deals with 100% stress and 200% guilt thinking that if anything happened to me it would be her fault for not having done enough research or not having known enough about my cancer (despite the fact this is not possible for any human being). Alas, I must realize a marriage is a two person venture. I must for both her sake AND my own, take up doing much more research and become an active participant in my health and treatments. My social worker pointed out to me one day the flaw in my "things will work out" line of thinking. She accurately observed that "things work out" now because of Nicole and because I am married. I pointed out how stressed Nic gets when doing any trip planning and how I don't worry in the least as "things work out". My social worker asked "Yes, but would things still work out if your wife didn't put in hours of planning and research while you sat back and did nothing?" I hadn't quite thought of it that way until that moment. This goes for brain cancer research, trip planning, meal planning, and what to wear to the next wedding. I leave it to the day of on most of these things. Nicole, KNOWING I do this, plans much in advance as much for me as she does for herself (and the collective "we") and thus things do work out just as I always predict. So that means we're both right doesn't it? I think so ;)
Quick health update: I've had some weird eye twitchy stuff happening lately. My eyes seem to 'vibrate' very rapidly (very similar to when I have had seizures in the past) though not in a constant way. My medical team has adjusted my meds to see if it makes a difference. Again, the fear is that if I were to have prolonged seizure activity in my brain I could die from it. This eye thing started a few days ago, and I'm not dead yet, so odds are it's not intense seizure activity - if seizure activity at all. As per usual this stressed Nicole 800 times more than it does me, as I cannot see my own eyes twitching at all (my vision is as flawless as it was pre eye-twitching) however Nicole can see it when she focuses on my eyes (instilling a sense of fear/panic in her). Life must suck to be her. Hope you are all enjoying your Friday! Happy almost Halloween to you all eh?!
Cheers!
--
Tom
Friday, October 28, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Yay!
Good news, my oncologist has informed me that my tumour is looking "better"! When I asked him what "better" meant he informed me it was noticeably smaller to the point he could tell this by looking at the MRI himself. I think that is a good thing! I'm still feeling a bit fatigued these days, but the nurse told me this could be a result of the number of things. I'm a little high on the level of one of my medications which could cause some fatigue, however they were not sure if the high level from my last blood test was an accurate representation of the true levels in my system. I had more blood work done today, but the results were not ready when I had my visit with the oncologist. Of course there is always the potential for the tumour to reverse course and begin to grow again, but we will not worry about that right now. Again, I shall have another MRI in about 3 months time and then results shortly after that. I'll probably get my next schedule in the mail soon enough. Thanks everyone for all of the thoughts, prayers, and well-wishes. It all helps and has clearly made a difference so far. Have a Happy Thanksgiving weekend everyone! I shall continue to post updates as my life goes on. I still have many of life's regular challenges to face like angry Taxi drivers driving into me and MPI deciding that I'm 100% at fault for such things. Remind me to rant about MPI and Taxi drivers soon eh? CHEERS!
--
Tom
--
Tom
Sunday, October 2, 2011
And the Train Pulls into Urination Station
The title of this blog entry should clue you in to the fact that this will most certainly NOT be a serious blog post. I have had my MRI this past Sunday, and now must wait a week to get my results. The serious blog entry can come then.
No, this blog entry is my thoughts as a man on the ol' #1. Now most male readers will find my writings to be "common knowledge" (lest I have some other medical / psychological issues I do not myself know about). For the females it will hopefully be an informative and eye-opening expose into what goes on in the men's washroom. Consider it my entry into the world of journalism, which I have no intention of entering. Why write about peeing? Well, "Why not?" comes to mind, but I suppose it is because in recent conversations I have found that members of the other sex find 'amazing' things I assumed were common knowledge to all. I feel it is my duty to let ye gals know what goes on behind the door with the little male outline on it.
First let us talk about the wonderful world of urinals. Yes we men have the ability to pee standing up! You probably knew this. I suppose you do too, but we can aim and thus urinals allow us the ability to do so without making a terrible and unpleasant mess. Urinals are a fantastic invention that probably goes back ages (I'm not an investigative journalist). Urinal etiquette is something that should be followed by all men at all times. There are two types of urinal set-ups: The divider and the non-divider. Obviously the former is preferable unless you are a really creepy individual. In a divider situation the rules are relaxed, however alternate urinal positioning is still preferred. In the dividerless set-up a strict alternate (or "every other") choice should be used. This reduces the number of urinals that can be used at once but maintains a comfort level for all involved. If walking into an empty washroom with only three urinals, a man must never choose the middle urinal for this leaves no available urinals open for use (forcing other men to choose a stall). Regardless of divider presence a man must also never choose a stall if urinals (with empty-adjacents) are available. This leaves the impression the man is not comfortable with urinal use and thus will be looked at (rightly) as less of a man.
At times men might find themselves in a situation where "Stagefright" (as my homeboy Kev from Steinbach recently put it to me) sets in. This is most common when in a dividerless urinal system side-by-side with another man (let us assume/hope the other man came in after you and violated the urinal code). As you might have guessed this condition is due to the fact that peeing requires total relaxation and comfort with one's washroom surroundings. A man nearly rubbing elbows with you is enough to induce "stagefright" leaving you unable to urinate. Diving into this situation a little further we then can ask "What can be done about this?" Obviously standing against a urinal with one's pants undone implies a sort of "time limit". After several minutes of a curious absence of sound will arouse suspicion from other washroom attendees (most of all that guy standing too close to you). They are obviously starting to realize you have "stagefright" and thus will (rightly) determine you are less of a man. I have often found "trash talking" the space violator in one's head is enough to overcome the "stagefright". In the event too much time has elapsed the only remaining option is to of course pretend you have in fact finished and proceed to the washing of the hands. Further complication lies in the fact you have not yet urinated and still very much need to do so. A favourite tactic of mine is the "ridiculously long hand wash" used in the hopes the other guy is a quick hand-washer or, given his ignorance of the urinal code might even be a non-hand-washer. If this is the case a return to the urinal is possible. HOWEVER: this is only possible if the washroom is now empty. If there is anyone else in the room they will notice and question your second trip to the wall porcelain. I realize this is starting to seem complicated, and believe me it is. It is a burden us men must carry with us each and every day.
To address a question I'm sure some of you females are asking "Why don't you just do like we do? Pick a stall and pee sitting down? (thus avoiding the noise a stand-up stall pee-er generates and the demasculinity that follows). Seriously? LOL. Ok, I'm still laughing out loud, but to explain: We are men. Aside from our nuts and a Y chromosome, peeing standing up is about all we've got to hold on to. Those guys you see leaving the gym with super bulked up muscles are probably just compensating for the fact that they pee sitting down. You must also consider the physics of the standard toilet. The good people of American Standard know that men don't pee sitting down and thus have created a perfectly oval shaped bowl. A guy sitting down atop such a toilet has certain bodily protrusions that risk coming into contact with the bowl. If there is any part of your body that, as a man, you do NOT want touching the inside of a toilet bowl you can imagine what it is. Now perhaps I just have a larger appendage than most but... [ladies?]*
*SORRY NICOLE! I COULD NOT RESIST!!!
Ok, that covers most of the issues with urinals. Let us say that a man walks into a standard small-town restaurant bathroom and darned if there is no urinal to be found. It is considered rude in our culture to simply pee on the wall in such cases and thus the bowl must be used. Many problems arise here as well. Obviously our wives/girlfriends/sisters/mothers/female friends have trained us to raise the toilet seat before hand (and lower it post "freeing of our bladders"). Still we are looking at a two foot (approximate) distance from launch point to target. A lot can go wrong along the way. First one must stay focused on the task at hand. Did someone just knock at the door? Ignore it. Turning to see will only leave you an unfortunate mess to clean up. There is also the problem of partial blockage. Lint may be the culprit, but whatever it is we all know what happens when we put our thumbs over only half of the end of the garden hose... increased pressure and severely affected aim. This could be anywhere from a 10 to a 45 degree variance. The best defence is a quick correction of stance requiring cat-like reflexes. Even a new stance can leave the best of us vulnerable if the blockage suddenly becomes freed requiring a further reversal of stance.
To all of the young boys out there reading this post, I want you to know I was once where you might be now. Growing up in a world where no one taught you about washroom rules, urinal etiquette, or solutions to the problems most of us face on a weekly (if not daily) basis. I myself did not use a urinal until middle school (called "Juniour High" in my days) for my extreme anxiety about using them. I was made fun of by my peers and at times had wet paper towels thrown at me over the stall walls while chants "your a little girl" followed. Knowing sitting down was not an option I tried my best to use the "aim for the part of the bowl where there is no water" strategy. It worked with moderate success until I finally got up the courage to be a man and use the wall porcelain. Alas, I was a late bloomer. I did not start abusing alcohol until around the age of 21, which was also the time I first went to a bar. Perhaps related to this was that year also being the year I first kissed a girl and had a girlfriend. Now, at 27, I'm happily married and pee wherever the law will allow me to do so.
I await the telling of the female's perspective on the "behind the door with the human figure wearing a dress on it" at a future point. Until then I will assume it to be the gossip / makeup / partying / anything but using the washroom -fest I currently believe it to be.
...Oh, and I'm doing great medically and have had no issues in the past while. Life continues to rock only totally.
CHEERS!
--
Tom
No, this blog entry is my thoughts as a man on the ol' #1. Now most male readers will find my writings to be "common knowledge" (lest I have some other medical / psychological issues I do not myself know about). For the females it will hopefully be an informative and eye-opening expose into what goes on in the men's washroom. Consider it my entry into the world of journalism, which I have no intention of entering. Why write about peeing? Well, "Why not?" comes to mind, but I suppose it is because in recent conversations I have found that members of the other sex find 'amazing' things I assumed were common knowledge to all. I feel it is my duty to let ye gals know what goes on behind the door with the little male outline on it.
First let us talk about the wonderful world of urinals. Yes we men have the ability to pee standing up! You probably knew this. I suppose you do too, but we can aim and thus urinals allow us the ability to do so without making a terrible and unpleasant mess. Urinals are a fantastic invention that probably goes back ages (I'm not an investigative journalist). Urinal etiquette is something that should be followed by all men at all times. There are two types of urinal set-ups: The divider and the non-divider. Obviously the former is preferable unless you are a really creepy individual. In a divider situation the rules are relaxed, however alternate urinal positioning is still preferred. In the dividerless set-up a strict alternate (or "every other") choice should be used. This reduces the number of urinals that can be used at once but maintains a comfort level for all involved. If walking into an empty washroom with only three urinals, a man must never choose the middle urinal for this leaves no available urinals open for use (forcing other men to choose a stall). Regardless of divider presence a man must also never choose a stall if urinals (with empty-adjacents) are available. This leaves the impression the man is not comfortable with urinal use and thus will be looked at (rightly) as less of a man.
At times men might find themselves in a situation where "Stagefright" (as my homeboy Kev from Steinbach recently put it to me) sets in. This is most common when in a dividerless urinal system side-by-side with another man (let us assume/hope the other man came in after you and violated the urinal code). As you might have guessed this condition is due to the fact that peeing requires total relaxation and comfort with one's washroom surroundings. A man nearly rubbing elbows with you is enough to induce "stagefright" leaving you unable to urinate. Diving into this situation a little further we then can ask "What can be done about this?" Obviously standing against a urinal with one's pants undone implies a sort of "time limit". After several minutes of a curious absence of sound will arouse suspicion from other washroom attendees (most of all that guy standing too close to you). They are obviously starting to realize you have "stagefright" and thus will (rightly) determine you are less of a man. I have often found "trash talking" the space violator in one's head is enough to overcome the "stagefright". In the event too much time has elapsed the only remaining option is to of course pretend you have in fact finished and proceed to the washing of the hands. Further complication lies in the fact you have not yet urinated and still very much need to do so. A favourite tactic of mine is the "ridiculously long hand wash" used in the hopes the other guy is a quick hand-washer or, given his ignorance of the urinal code might even be a non-hand-washer. If this is the case a return to the urinal is possible. HOWEVER: this is only possible if the washroom is now empty. If there is anyone else in the room they will notice and question your second trip to the wall porcelain. I realize this is starting to seem complicated, and believe me it is. It is a burden us men must carry with us each and every day.
To address a question I'm sure some of you females are asking "Why don't you just do like we do? Pick a stall and pee sitting down? (thus avoiding the noise a stand-up stall pee-er generates and the demasculinity that follows). Seriously? LOL. Ok, I'm still laughing out loud, but to explain: We are men. Aside from our nuts and a Y chromosome, peeing standing up is about all we've got to hold on to. Those guys you see leaving the gym with super bulked up muscles are probably just compensating for the fact that they pee sitting down. You must also consider the physics of the standard toilet. The good people of American Standard know that men don't pee sitting down and thus have created a perfectly oval shaped bowl. A guy sitting down atop such a toilet has certain bodily protrusions that risk coming into contact with the bowl. If there is any part of your body that, as a man, you do NOT want touching the inside of a toilet bowl you can imagine what it is. Now perhaps I just have a larger appendage than most but... [ladies?]*
*SORRY NICOLE! I COULD NOT RESIST!!!
Ok, that covers most of the issues with urinals. Let us say that a man walks into a standard small-town restaurant bathroom and darned if there is no urinal to be found. It is considered rude in our culture to simply pee on the wall in such cases and thus the bowl must be used. Many problems arise here as well. Obviously our wives/girlfriends/sisters/mothers/female friends have trained us to raise the toilet seat before hand (and lower it post "freeing of our bladders"). Still we are looking at a two foot (approximate) distance from launch point to target. A lot can go wrong along the way. First one must stay focused on the task at hand. Did someone just knock at the door? Ignore it. Turning to see will only leave you an unfortunate mess to clean up. There is also the problem of partial blockage. Lint may be the culprit, but whatever it is we all know what happens when we put our thumbs over only half of the end of the garden hose... increased pressure and severely affected aim. This could be anywhere from a 10 to a 45 degree variance. The best defence is a quick correction of stance requiring cat-like reflexes. Even a new stance can leave the best of us vulnerable if the blockage suddenly becomes freed requiring a further reversal of stance.
To all of the young boys out there reading this post, I want you to know I was once where you might be now. Growing up in a world where no one taught you about washroom rules, urinal etiquette, or solutions to the problems most of us face on a weekly (if not daily) basis. I myself did not use a urinal until middle school (called "Juniour High" in my days) for my extreme anxiety about using them. I was made fun of by my peers and at times had wet paper towels thrown at me over the stall walls while chants "your a little girl" followed. Knowing sitting down was not an option I tried my best to use the "aim for the part of the bowl where there is no water" strategy. It worked with moderate success until I finally got up the courage to be a man and use the wall porcelain. Alas, I was a late bloomer. I did not start abusing alcohol until around the age of 21, which was also the time I first went to a bar. Perhaps related to this was that year also being the year I first kissed a girl and had a girlfriend. Now, at 27, I'm happily married and pee wherever the law will allow me to do so.
I await the telling of the female's perspective on the "behind the door with the human figure wearing a dress on it" at a future point. Until then I will assume it to be the gossip / makeup / partying / anything but using the washroom -fest I currently believe it to be.
...Oh, and I'm doing great medically and have had no issues in the past while. Life continues to rock only totally.
CHEERS!
--
Tom
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