The Fantabulous adventures of Tom & Nicole on this Fine Day!

The Fantabulous adventures of Tom & Nicole on this Fine Day!

INTRO

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It is hot today. Especially in the apartment where I am currently sitting writing this most amazing of blog updates (you may find my writing style slightly affected by my viewing of a “Cat in the Hat Knows a Lot About That!” episode this morning... but more on that later). Not just hot, but the kind of hot where you sweat buckets... from that area underneath your [man] boobs. Yes we have an A/C unit attached to the wall, however it is currently serving primarily as a decoration and noise-maker... but more on that later! I have had an amazing brilliant wonderful day spent with many shiny happy people (oddly Michael Stipe was not one of them). That joke in parenthesis (there called parenthesis when they're round) was for Chris B. which I hope he gets & appreciates. It all starts at the beginning which I am designating “Chapter 32” (remember I watched some trippy cartoons this morning)

CHAPTER 32

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I awoke at approximately 9:28 am (yes it is going to be one of those way-too-long blogs). The air was a crisp sort of horrible stale. The walls were an off-white with little to impress the average tenant. Those two previous sentences were written specifically to annoy Nicole who believes I throw way too many irrelevant details into my stories (a fact I do not deny). Yes, this was going to be another hot day in the apartment. A couple of minutes later a SHP* named Shauna called. I knew it was her because I could hear her talking to someone else over the phone when I answered. This allowed me to greet her with an enthusiastic “Hey Shauna!” which I would usually have to wait two full rings to do (for the caller I.D. to kick in). She appreciates this style of greeting over my confused “Who the hell is this? Furthermore why are you calling me?” suspicious-toned “Hello?” She was making sure that Nicole and I were awake and prepared to take on the responsibility of keeping one of her children (Emma = very cute 4 1/2 year old) alive for a short period of time. I assured her we were. She arrived to drop off her child with what I assume was extreme nervousness. This nervousness is/was appropriate as I did kill off my fictitious adopted child “Mongo” some time ago (around Nicole’s birthday last year).

Babysitting doesn’t seem to make sense when looking after a nearly-five-year-old, so I shall say Nicole and I toddlersat her. Even that sounds wrong as we did not even once sit on her. I’ll say we toddlerlookedafterherforashortperiodoftime. Yes, that sounds perfect. She came equiped with her own alcoholic branded bag of snacks and treats so the job was made very easy. I happen to know children can survive 8+ hours without small sandwiches and carrots, but it was best not to test that “theory”. Nicole and I entered the fun world of having a kid for 3-4 hours. Obviously we experienced all parenting has to offer during that time. Among the various activities we enjoyed were: Children’s TV Shows (Thank you Netflix), Creepy Computer-Animated Dolphin Movies (I take that back Netflix!), Hide-’n-Sneak (suspiciously similar to a game I played as a child called “Hide-’n-Seek”), Princess ‘n Dragon (actually this game had no name but picture a game based upon imagination and pretend... weird I know, clearly Shauna and Kevin have failed as “modern day” parents), and drawing/colouring.

I was totally into the kids cartoons (obviously), but found it surprising how much actual scientific knowledge there was to be learned in those things. After catching the credits to the Cat in the Hat cartoons I found out why... Jay Ingram (host of “Daily Planet” and author of many cool books you can borrow from me at any time) was the scientific something-rather for the show. Plus Martin Short was the voice of the Cat (in the Hat) which was cool. Curious George was funny because he is a monkey!

Playing pretend with a 4 1/2 year old is interesting for two people (Nicole + me) who have a background in Psychology. What seems like fun has elements of Multiple Personalty Disorder mixed in. I haven’t read the entire DSM-IV-TR, however I’m told it is in there somewhere. I’m not worried as Emma showed no comorbidity or evidence of other disorders (hence I did not bother to collect any data or calculate a P-value). All I’m saying, is that it was hard to keep track of the princess and the girl who wasn’t the princess (though she looked to me exactly the same as the princess) given the many quick and at times inexplicable changes between the two. Leaving my psychobable aside, we did manage to kill the dragon after he grew up (prior to this he was a nice and generally kind dragon). I myself learned that children (or specifically Emma) can be incredibly smart as evidenced when she was playing with many of her own stuffed animals and one that we happened to have in the apartment. Emma stated “I really like this pony! I don’t have a pony [insert sad faced emoticon here]” to which Nicole quickly said “You can have that pony if you like!” to which Emma smiled. I forgot to mention but I had my own stuffed animal (Cuddles) who is a tiny stuffed dog (toy, not real... that would be creepy) that I believe my Grandma got me as a gift when I was first born and that I have kept ever since. I shall forever cherish my dog Cuddles. Back to playing with them: Emma then said “I really like that Dog too! I don’t have a dog like that [insert many more sad emoticons here]”. I said “Ya, I really like him too”. There were many comments from her after this point “I really wish I had one just like that one”, “I would really like a stuffed puppy”, etc. I give her credit... but not my Cuddles. Oh, we also played “Headbanz” which is a game where you put a card on your headband that only the other players can see and then you have to ask questions to guess what your card is. Nicole and I were severely hindered by our lack of Dora The Explorer specific knowledge as this was a Dora the Explorer Headbanz game. Emma did great.

I forgot a part of the story. Luckily my numbering system allows me to insert a chapter before this one.

CHAPTER 25

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So when I woke up this morning, the water was off. I was guessing this would be the case after seeing that notice that informed us that the water would be shut off on Monday July 4th between 8:30 am and 4:00 pm. This part of the story contains a little “TMI”**. I had used up the first (and only) flush this morning upon waking up. I managed to wash my hands with hand sanitizer which Nicole keeps in the apartment in surprising abundance. Having to use the washroom again prior to Emma’s arrival I decided to keep the apartment’s odor at an “acceptable” level and headed on over to the Home Depot! (‘tis only a three minute walk). Suffice to say I just made it. Having eliminated that problem*** I quickly encountered another. I was hungry, had not had breakfast, and had to pass a Subway on the way out. I solved this problem by buying a 6-inch “Mega” breakfast sandwich on 9-grain whole wheat bread complete with some mayo, s&p, lettuce, tomatoes, green peppers, and onions (again, written obviously to annoy Nicole and possibly some of you). I also got a coffee (see! I write things like this and she sighs out loud! It’s fun). The coffee lid had a cool slider that opened and closed (that sentence was pushing it too far, I’m sorry love). I made it back to the apartment just in time to start the baby-sitting shenanigans! Please go to chapter 32 to continue this story! That makes it sound like a choose-your-own adventure book, but really you have only one choice... what I write. Sucker. Too bad for you. You can read sections again if you like, but that’s about it.

CHAPTER 48

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I had an MRI today. I did well because Shauna wished me luck in hoping I would pass. I’m sure I pulled off a high 90’s (if that’s how it works). I didn’t sneeze or cough, or squeeze the emergency help ball for no good reason at any point. It was the usual incredibly loud noises, injection in the arm, claustrophobic time I’ve come to enjoy/expect. Just like when I go in for bloodwork I almost automatically sanitize my hands while saying “Thomas Sontag January 31 1984”. I could almost now go into the MRI room, strip off my clothes (behind a curtain - duh!) and while doing so say “I have no metal in my eye, I am not nor have ever been pregnant, my only previous surgery was a craniotomy on November 26th of 2010, I am allergic to penicillin, and have had no problems previously with receiving the contrast”. I feel so so very bad for Nicole who is kind enough to wait in the rather unimpressive MRI waiting room for me, probably nervous and worried as all hell. To make it more (symbolically) worse I handed her my wedding ring (as it is "real" and thus contains "metal") prior to disappearing behind two large doors from which I only return some half hour later. But I’m trying to keep this a happy magical Dr. Seuss-esque happy blog entry so I’ll write about that later this week.

I once again failed to fill out the pre-MRI form properly, partially filling in the date the receptionist is supposed to fill out. Form Fail. I shall get it right next time!!!

CHAPTER 55

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There is no chapter 55.

CHAPTER 56

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After the MRI Nicole and I decided to do something more fun than having a brain scan done and headed to The Forks for some fun. We managed to get some wonderfulerific coffees. Mine had no sugar but tasted pretty damned good nonetheless. Nicole had much less luck coffee-wise than I. Her first choice “Caramello” was sold out. Her second choice of “Macaroon Something” was also sold out. Her third choice was “Canadian Parfait” which they could not make because they had no ice cream left. She settled for “Moccacino” or some such thing. After leaving the Espresso Junction at the Johnston Terminal her coffee started leaking all over. I went back to get her a new lid and some napkins (as I am her husband, a gentleman, and a saint). The cashier noticed my cotton-ball-taped-on arm and asked if I was diabetic (remember I asked for a coffee with no sugar). I said “Oh no, I just had an MRI done”. I will now put Chapter 56 on hold to write what chapter 55 could have been if there would have been one.

CHAPTER 55 HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING

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Having an inoperable cancerous brain tumour has some interesting side-effects. One of them is not knowing how much detail to go into with strangers who ask you simple questions like “What’s with the scar on your head?” or “Do you have any medical related conditions you’re not telling me about?”. When the Wal-Mart girl asks me “How are you today?” I usually go with a “Fine thanks! How are you?” over a “Well, before Christmas last year I was told I had a malignant tumour in my brain that would in all likelihood kill me within a year and had to go for immediate surgery which could also kill me. The last visit to the oncologist left me with a feeling things aren’t going so well at this point, so overall good enough? How are you!?” I usually keep the info to a minimum but in this case I opened up a bit. The girl said “I had a tumour removed just the other week!” She showed me her arm (where it was located) that now contained a scar and some deep bruising. I was shocked and told her a bit about my own uncontrolled cell growth. I don’t blame people for not having advanced knowledge about Stage 4 Glioblastoma Multiforme, as I must admit I didn’t prior to my own diagnosis, however I am amused by questions such as “So did they get it out?” or “But you’re fine now right?” I love that I am able to live my life day-to-day with little problems related to my tumour (aside from emotional breakdowns every now and then with my lovely wife Nicole there to help and support me), but I often wonder how things might be different if the scar went down my forehead and I walked with a limp. I’m thinking the questions would be different then.

CHAPTER 56 RESUMES!

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So the coffee girl then offers me a business deal that seems hard to turn down: “Hey, so can you get medicinal marijuana? Because you totally should! And if you do come here because I’ll totally buy some off you! That was your wife right? You should just get it and sell the stuff to buy things for her!” I told her I would see about that and brought Nicole her new lid and some napkins. I asked her if she wanted me to buy her nice things supported by my medicinal marijuana side business. She assured me she was happy so long as she had me (she can be romantic like that).

We then went on a nice walk at the forks down a path, over a bridge, and back. Along the way we experienced a blockade of many many many dragonflies. We turned back but Nicole, the crazy adventurer she is, decided we should head back and try to defeat the blockade (or as she put it “Maybe they flew away”). Turns out my wife is brilliant as the dragonflies had all flown away. We should have headed the dragonflies obvious warning (blockade = you would be wise not to pass this point) as the path quickly became an insect ridden hellscape of mosquitoes and seeds and other annoying things flying in the air. We managed to make it back, all the way past the automatic (but not certainly not aromatic) manure composter, and the crazy hobo killers**** who I assume were lurking just behind the trees. We then headed to that cool star-gazing place but A) it wasn’t nearly dark enough yet, and B) I have not idea how that place is supposed to work. Also (known as “C”): there were a lot of mosquitoes. I didn’t specifically state it, but I hope it was implied that my lettering system denoted reasons we didn’t stay at the star-gazing place long.

CHAPTER 69

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If you just giggled or worse yet, Lol’ed you have a dirty dirty mind. GROW UP!

CHAPTER 70

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We continued on our life’s journey by getting back into the car (which I’d parked like a pro... which is noteworthy as it is more of a “boat” than a “car”) and tried to leave the Forks. I decided to find my own “cool way out” which lead us to a parking lot where we could see fireworks, likely from our former employer and best minor-league baseball team in town, the Goldeyes! (shout-out to our former coworkers/peeps who would have been toiling away behind the scenes missing out on the entire show). Nicole had told me several minutes prior that she “really had to pee” so after sitting watching the fireworks for quite some time, she politely reminded me of this fact. Nicole is my wife. Nicole is very polite. As my wife Nicole has amazing bladder control. This is because:

Proposition #1) I am Nicole’s husband

Proposition #2) I have amazing bladder control

Syllogism) Nicole has amazing bladder control

I think I had trouble with my critical thinking class, and forgot to throw in there that as a couple Nicole and I share all traits and personality traits (as all husbands and wives naturally do). Also after living together for some time our cycles have in fact synchronized, which makes for an ugly week every now and then. I am of course referring to my chemo (temozolomide/accutane) cycle. You probably laughed when you read that last chapter, didn’t you? Such a dirty mind. Sigh...

CHAPTER SUPER BONUS

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These are just random things. Marbles. Goats. Cheese. Wait, I tried to write random words but now realize that Cheese can be made from Goats and that Marble is a type of Cheese. Alas the universe is not as random as I thought. THERE IS A SUCH THING AS FATE!!! Wait, maybe I should tone it down a bit. Nicole might take me to the hospital if I keep shouting things like that out. That time I claimed to be a sexy turtle / alien from another dimension she made the right call in taking me there (see a prior blog post for that gem).

Nicole and I are the smartest / coolest couple ever. As such we have decided that if the band Nickleback ate a lot of a certain type of candy the would be called Skittleback. Logically it follows that consumption of many chocolate bars would create the new band: Snickerback.

Randomness continues. Hey, so the numbers in the William Ave parkade don’t really make sense. The elevator numbers don’t seem to match the parking level numbers WTF! We wasted a trip to the 4th floor FOR NO GOOD REASON TODAY! SU HSC!*****

CHAPTER NOT A CHAPTER

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I think this chapter title might be somewhat Monty Python-esque which hopefully my Uncle Phill would be proud of. Ni!

So the air conditioner saga continues in the ol’ 205B. After that day of 50 bajillion degree temperature where the circuit breaker kept tripping every 15-30 minutes, the unit is only working on one side (the left if you were at all curious). The landlordess “Anne” has assured me that “Monday or Tuesday” they will come to replace our unit. This is code for “by the end of the week someone might come by to simply look at your unit, decide they can fix it but have to order a part first, and won’t come back for at least 15 days or until the snow falls”. I’ve learned how this apartment game works. I just hope it gets fixed before Lorelie moves in with the kids & fam, given my self-imposed “no pants for Tom” rule. Poor kids would be scarred for life (though I do where some classy boxers). I have been reminded that I am someone who always finds the silver lining in seemingly dire situations, so I shall conclude with the following:

“On the plus side, the constant dripping (at times flowing) of water from the A/C unit onto the floor due to extreme condensation does sound a might bit like a tiny waterfall which is rather soothing to listen to”. Done.

PROLOGUE

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I can’t remember if the prologue goes at the front or back of the novel, so let me just specify that this is the conclusion. I hope that this novel has caught you up on the modern day history of South America*******. I shall be writing more in the days to come. This is as likely as me getting a new A/C unit by tomorrow afternoon. My MRI results should be in Friday. Till then medical status update: I’m still alive.

I also had a crazy dream the other day which I shall share with you soon. I have pre-released the dream to members of the group “Fraggle Stick Cars”; aka: People who endlessly and tirelessly defend our country’s borders/border; aka: Rob Dunn.

DEDICATION

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I’m 99.99999% sure this is supposed to go at the beginning, however this blog entry (and entire blog for that matter) is dedicated to Nicole O’Leary-Sontag, who is my wonderful, pretty, funny, amazing, supportive, food-making, awesome awesome wife :)  I love you so much <3

POST SCRIPT

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I refuse to proof read the above. I tried to watch out for red squiggly lines, but I think anything more is asking too much of me. I don’t have an editor people.

ASTERISKS & MORE COMEDY

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*Shiny Happy Person

**Too Much Information

***Pun!

****By “Hobo Killer” I am of course referring to a crazy person who kills only hobos as opposed to hobos who will kill just about anyone, regardless of accommodation status. 

*****SU = SCREW YOU! I’m too polite and well-mannered to go “with FU!”******

******FU = FUDGE YOU!

*******Little known fact: South America is a country that several stuffed animals (including a polar bear, two skunks, a pony, a puppy, and an earth worm) flew to today on an imaginary adventure!

CHAPTER 99 “THE LOST CHAPTER”

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I think Nelson jumped out of plane. I sure hope he is alive.