I'm not sure if I told you I was going... but I did. Nicole and I left for Florida for a week to "relax" in the sun. I use quotation marks as I'm not sure either of us have ever felt so exhausted at any point in the year leading up to our vacation. I called it our "Everything But Disney" trip. We stayed in Orlando (or rather Clermont to be specific). As soon as you say you went to Orlando people say "Oh, so you went to Disney?"! Given I was not:
A) 10 years of age or under, and...
B) Rich
we chose to leave Disney off of our list of "to-do's". Instead we focused on Universal Studios and a few others. Now I must explain something that confused me the entire trip. There are two theme parks that make up Universal Orlando... Islands of Adventure & Universal Studios (can you see where I got confused?). So "Universal Orlando Resort" is the whole shebang, with "Islands of Adventure" and "Universal Studios Florida" being two parks within that overall resort. I'm sure you don't care about that, but it might come in handy should you ever decide to head down to Florida to do your own "EBD trip". Also as part of the "everything but Disney" were Sea World, Aquatica, Wet 'N Wild, and City Walk (technically another part of Universal Orlando Resort). Fans of South Park will appreciate my constant asking for "City Pork" and/or "City Beef" while walking through "City Walk".
The trip can be summed up as follows: Wake up, eat, drive to some attraction or theme park, do stuff, eat, do more stuff, go somewhere else, do more stuff, eat again, go home, pass out due to pure exhaustion. Rinse. Repeat. I don't know there was a day Nicole & I were awake and still in anything other than a dream state by 10:30pm any night of our 7 sleeps in the state designated "FL". Don't think I was out of it due to any of my medications. I don't take those anymore. (okay, I technically still take anti-seizure medication & blood thinners, but nothing related to any kind of cancer treatment). How would I rate the trip? I'd give it an awesome and a half plus a wicked-cool (5/5 for those of you who don't speak "street" like I do).
I sure hope Nicole enjoyed it too because she was with me the whole time. She is magical + wonderful + pixie dust. She planned the whole trip, booked the whole trip, drove the entire time on the trip, forced my lazy behind out of bed each morning, and didn't complain about doing so! I think that (plus the whole being madly in love with her) is why we are soul mates :)
So what else is up with me? A desire for spring. Having come back from Orlando, where people think 14 degrees Celsius is cold (note the lack of a negative sign before the 14), I can say walking around with less of a chill, and less of a fear of slipping and falling is a rather enjoyable! (Bare pavement seems to have a slightly higher coefficient of friction than ice... go figure?)
What else did Nicole & I enjoy on our trip? Lower gas prices, lower everything else prices, a wall of very visible cigarettes in every convenience store (and walk in beer coolers where you can buy a single bottle of beer?!?!?), a gas station that served hoagies fresh to order (seriously... check out wawa.com), a random security check by a Canada Customs Agent (Border Security Dude?). Turns out I should have declared that half-eaten bag of whole unsalted almonds (and that package of Turkey Bacon) on my customs form. The CCA/BSD was cool about it all and didn't fine either of us or throw us in jail (or burn us at the stake circa 17th century witch-related persecution). There are more stories, and as most of you could have guessed much LONGER versions of the above that I can tell you at any time! If you see me, don't hesitate to ask! Just make sure you aren't doing anything for the rest of the day! (This is my method of trying to encourage some sort of social life whereby people feel compelled to seek me out for stories, conversation, and general merriment).
HEALTH CHECK: (No, not this... http://youtu.be/JvQRN5I2Smk) I am healthy! I am also terminally ill. It's called a paradox! Here is the problem with being terminally ill but appearing 100% fine... PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE 100% FINE! Great right? Well, not so much. I have little-to-no deficits from my brain surgery (which I am forever grateful for), and my medications don't cause me any significant side-effects. The only real change to my health has been the seizures I experience every now and then (6-8 weeks apart on average for those who like statistics). People on the bus don't point at me and go "Oh, that dude looks like he has terminal Stage 4 Glioblastoma Multiforme / a malignant brain tumour!" (That would just be weird... not to mention rude). So why is this bad? I think people have a misconception that I'm "over it" or "in remission". My brain tumour is currently stable, which is better than "growing like the American National Debt"! Given I am no longer taking any medications to combat my brain tumour, there is theoretically nothing to prevent its growth/return. Wednesday March 27th I will have an MRI. Friday April 5th I will find out how that MRI went. Until then I assume, as always, that all is well. How? How could I be so sure? So confident? Simple! I have to be! Plus it beats being in a state of total overwhelming panic 24 hours a day. I'm not saying I can simply "choose" to keep calm and carry on (I saw that on a mug once)! I simply keep in the back of my mind the thought that above all people on this planet I have good reason to make the most of every day (and indeed moment). I have this theory that by staying positive and keeping hope & faith that things will work out... or at least marginally increase the odds that they just might!
Nicole described it the other day as a blissful combination of denial and hope. Aside from the fact I'm probably misquoting her, I think she said it marvellously well. You can't always keep the harsh reality of your situation and the forefront of your mind. If you did, you would emotionally melt down quicker than chocolate in a chocolate fountain (mmmm.... chocolate fountain. Those things are so great! You can just stick any food item underneath its chocolatey flow to increase its deliciousness tenfold!) But where was I? Right, harsh reality. You can't focus on it always, but you can't ignore it either. The harsh reality of terminal illness seems to manifest itself in even the simplest and most trivial of ways.
I recently (re)-subscribed to MacLean's Magazine. Of course the more years you subscribe for the lower the price-per-issue works out to be. Normal people would weigh their options and likely go with the three year subscription for pennies per issue. I think "Well, three years is the cheapest per issue... provided I live that long. I don't go so far as to mathematically figure out the exact point where my life expectancy vs. subscription length returns equal value per "year option", but the general gist of such a notion does cross your mind.
I think another point of my daily life involves wanting to prove to others (and likely myself) that I am doing just great. I wan't people to see me at my best. I don't wan't people to feel sorry for me (who does?) so I generally put on a bright happy face for the world to see. I take pride in being able to tell you that 99% percent of the time that is how I feel on the inside. I think what people might miss however is that there is 1% of the time when I'm not feeling that way, and I choose to keep it for those times when no one else is around to see it. The only exception to this is my wife Nicole. She has seen me at my absolute worst to my absolute best. I have no fear in showing her all of me... my bright happy side, and my darker sad side. She is my wife, my life, and my soul-mate who I could not do any of this without. I think people often forget that she is in this boat with me. She might seem bright happy & smiles on the outside, but come home to feel more comfortable to let it all out and not hide the negative feelings from the world and others to see. I think there is a feeling of frustration when people say "You are so strong!" or "I can't believe how well you handle all of this!" You want to reply "But I'm not! And I don't!" Sometimes yes, sometimes it looks like you can handle anything in the wold that comes at you and that you are stronger than all of your life's demons. As you can probably tell I don't know how to put this into words very well. There is a paradoxical feeling of wanting to hide your sadness and self-perceived "weakness" while at the same time not wanting people to think you are as invincible as you look. I'm not sure either Nicole or I have fully come to terms with how to balance this contrast of conflicting feelings. I think we look to each other for help and support. We each have times when it all just becomes too much and there is no more hiding it. Each of us have had what I call "breakdowns" on a regular basis over the past 2+ years. Sometimes it feels good to have one. To get to that helpless feeling and maybe get really angry or frustrated or sad or depressed or all of the above and cry for a good half hour. But you come out of that half an hour recharged and ready to take on life and those same problems with a renewed sense of purpose.
I'm rambling now. It is once again my bedtime, so I'll leave it at this (I started this post over a week ago). I shall return to write more, as for some reason I can't quite figure out, people seem to like reading my endless non-coherent words arranged into sentences on their computer screens. Do I make sense? Not sure I do. Does the government make cents? Not anymore. Did that fit in to this blog at all? Maybe. I do love a good pun. Cheers!
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Tom
